Forgiveness has been a challenging one for me.
In my life I’ve just found so many people to hold accountable for the pain they brought into my journey.
So many grudges to hold.
So many wounds left open.
To what end?
They are not aware of my feelings, and if they are, my seething is in no way affecting their daily lives.
They move on, while I constantly rip the bandaid off a festering putrid lesion.
Who is suffering in this scenario?
How is it that I am both the punisher and the punished?
Most heartbreaking has been the discovery that to let go, to heal, to love again, I have to connect with the offender. I have to end the separation. Shut up the voice that says, “I’m better than them. ”
For my mother it was realizing that just as I’m doing the best I can with what I have, so too did she. We are the same.
For my father it was realizing we both have strengths and weaknesses, but we are equally as beautiful as humans. We are the same.
For my father’s wife it was connecting with her deep seated pain, her loneliness, her abandonment, and the loss of what should have been. We are the same.
For my mother’s husband it was realizing I too embody the monster. I am not without sin, and while I’ve tried hard, I’ve inflicted deep wounds on those I love. I am no better. We are the same.
In the end, forgiving them didn’t make their actions right, it made mine understandable. I forgave myself and reconnected with a self love that has done nothing but help my other relationships blossom.
We cannot love completely without forgiving completely.
They are the two sides of the coin of connection.