Since moving to Oklahoma, it has been difficult and incredibly expensive to eat like we used to. We’re nowhere near a Whole Foods, we don’t have the cash flow to order from buyers clubs and the internet, and there aren’t organic farms nearby.
That being said, I was still making buyers club orders even though I couldn’t place them. I racked up an emergency credit card on Amazon because I needed a case of organic coconut milk and I got a better deal if I ordered 5 other things as well. I started buying conventional soft skinned fruits from…gulp…Wal-Mart.
Who was I becoming? Looking in the fridge was shameful. Everything we’d worked so hard to avoid we were now supporting. The bank account was even worse. We’d spend $60 in gas to drive over 2 hours to a Whole Foods, drop $400, go eat out, and then drive 2 more hours back home.
Things had to change and fast. So, we decided to go local. All the way.
It shouldn’t have been that hard, I’d been going to the farmer’s market in town every Saturday since we moved here. My grandfather gave me a cooler of grass fed beef from his ranch every time I visited. And I already had a woman delivering raw milk and eggs regularly.
But when a week had passed and we were running out of things and not replacing them, I found I was suddenly paralyzed with fear.
I couldn’t conceive of not having a pantry full of dried goods and bulk.
No cacao nibs?
Less than 5 types of nuts on hand?
How would I feed the kids?
What if we ran out of food?
And then it hit me.
What happens when tomatoes are out of season and I haven’t canned any to get us through winter?
When I posed this question to Eric, his response was, “You’ll cook something that doesn’t have tomatoes in it. You’ll use whatever you have on hand then.”
Of course that made sense, but I’ve always had tomatoes on hand. Always. They are a staple.
And then he said,
“You’re stressing out and worrying over something that hasn’t even happened. Right now you have a refrigerator full of eggs, meat and produce and you’re literally crying over tomatoes in January.”
Yes. Yes I was.
And I was making cooking and meal times miserable for everyone with this fear of lack that I’d been manifesting since we’d made the decision to stop shopping and eating out.
Thank God, I have a husband who’s willing to hash out my ego with me and remind me to come back to the present when I lose my way. And who would’ve thought that tomatoes would be the thing to shed light on my fear of lack and dependency on well stocked grocery stores.
Right Now there is food in the refrigerator.
Right Now we have enough.
Right Now I have a crisper full of colorful, ripe, local tomatoes.